Living with HIV is not an easy task, especially if you have other chronic diseases to go along with it. I believe that I told you that have been suffering from chronic meningitis with unknown Origins. It is really taking a toll on my body… I guess you could say that I have been in a sort of depression. I recently found out and there are some things going on with my heart. Too add to a host of other things…
The brain is the center of the body. It controls all of the functions of every organ in our bodies. Mine is affecting those organs. At one time I never thought about the internal consequences of having HIV and a brain disease. I often worried about losing my intellect, one day not remembering who I was, being lost in this huge City… But not once did I think that my other organs would be affected. My meningitis is uncontrolled do to my HIV and the fact that they don’t know where it’s coming from. At one time I was undetected but now viral load has increased and I am real close to having AIDS….
So what does one do? I’ll tell you what I’ve done. I have attempted to get some things in order in my life. The first thing I had to do was forgive my ex-husband,… not because he regrets what he did but because I realize I cannot have any piece or peace of mind in my life until I do. I am no longer trying to befriend him because nothing good comes out of that situation except pain for me.
I am also attempting to close the other chapters of hurt in my life. I have a brother that was not very nice to me as a child , and at this point I believe that he is dying. My plan is to go and visit him where he lives in order to get some peace and some closure. I wish that I could say that I am at peace with my current situation but honestly that is not the case. Some days I feel like giving up…. some days it’s too hard to keep up persona, some days it’s a struggle just to get out of bed. I have started to hate doctor visits because every time I go there’s a negative report.
This blog may seem completely pessimistic but I feel that it’s important that people know the honest serovital true about what people living with this disease really go through. The shame,…the depression, the feelings of helplessness, the STIGMA!!! The overall ups and downs of being HIV positive.
Although I have no medical credentials, I would suggest that any person who is living with this disease seek some type of counseling or therapy. It has helped me tremendously for all the counseling and therapy in the world does not mean that we’re not going to have emotions and feel things. This is just where I’m at today…
Until next time take care of your health