Fourth of July 2017… And I am home alone as usual for the holidays since my divorce. I was not invited to any barbecues or cookouts or gatherings by any of my so-called friends. This actually takes me back to a time in my childhood when I was constantly reminded that no one wanted me. Yes I have other issues besides HIV.

 My stepfather made it known throughout my entire childhood that my biological father never wanted me. I guess it was true because he never tried to establish any type of relationship with me. Even though I had absolutely nothing to do with that I was constantly reminded that my father didn’t want me. As an adult, I have entered into… Should I say unhealthy relationships with men because of this. 

I have never really felt a part of anything. On Christmas holidays I buy gifts for people but no one ever buys me one. I give excellent birthday gifts but never get one in return. At this point I’m simply trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and why no one wants me.

At one time I used to call myself “The Throw Away.” I was the child that my father threw away and after my mother died the kid that my family threw away and I have become the friend that’s been cast aside and thrown away. And it hurts. Most holidays when people are celebrating and spending time with friends and family I’m at home by myself crying because I don’t feel wanted. People only seek me out when it’s convenient for them or if they need me. But no one seems to think that the throwaway needs somebody to.

I am currently on medication for depression so this is not the issue today I just feel this way every holiday. It’s fine for my friends to want to socialize with me when it’s beneficial for them but I never get invited to social outings or even asked if I want to do anything. The stigma behind this disease makes me feel like a social outcast most times. So I sit home with my radio and my pets comfort me.
Just what I’m feeling today… Be safe and take care of your health


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