The Lost Post

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Somehow or another there was a post that was lost. It should have come between The Realization and The Beautiful Rainbow. I guess it was a bad tech day, my computer didn’t feel like working. According to my tablet in which I do this blog, it is there, but when I try to pull it up from another source there is one missing.

So September 2013, I am living with my ex husband who is living in denial. At the time he had several people rooming with us.One was a girl that was on heroin from Cincinnati. The other was a cross-dressing male from the neighborhood. We are all adults here so I feel that I can speak freely and frankly, but my ex husband was an alcoholic. Whenever he would get drunk, or should I say in blackout conditions, he would want oral sex. At this particular point in my life I was thoroughly disgusted not only with him but with myself. I felt like I was dirty and there was a lot of shame. When I would tell him no, she would tell me that he was going to get the guy in the next room to do it. And honestly that was fine with me…

One night well in a blackout, he finally confessed to me that he was gay. I was so hurt and felt so used. All the years that we have been together basically been a lie. We are talking over 10 years of my life I spent with this man. I knew his family quite well and they have begun to accept me after he & I had been together for about 7 years. It felt as if my whole world was falling apart.

Around this time I started getting to know my mother in law a lot better. She was an Entertainment Promoter and had been diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier that summer. She’d wanted to do a show here in our hometown that was featured on the Black Entertainment Television Network. It was called Black Girls Rock! and she wanted me to work with her or what she called her last show. During this time, this woman and I became very very close. Much closer than we had ever been before, considering that I had been in their lives for 9 years. I begin to share with her some of my innermost secrets including my feelings toward her son.

This woman helped me to find my inner Lady! She made me realize but I don’t have to settle for anyone or anything that wasn’t in my best interest. Within a few months, she taught me to embrace the woman that I am. She instilled in me that my disease was nothing to be ashamed of,
but maybe it was to be a platform for God to use me to help others like myself.

The show, Louisville’s Version Black Girls Rock! was on April 18th 2014. on May 6th I left my ex husbands house and went to live at a homeless shelter. I have the faith that God did not want me to be miserable and that he had something greater plan for my life. A month into my stay at the shelter, my mother in law passed away. I was heartbroken and devastated. it seems that just when she and I are starting to get an understanding, she was taken away. I attended her funeral and was given special leave from the shelter to stay with my ex husband for a couple of days. Although he’s always been an alcoholic, it seems that his consumption increased. Maybe that was his way of dealing with the loss of his mother.

I lived at this homeless shelter for 2 months. It’s hard when you have to be up everyday at 5:30 a.m. and be put out onto the streets at 7 a.m. whether it is raining or hot or cold. We could return for dinner at 4:45 and afterwards there was check in at 5:15. Once you were in you had to stay in until the next morning. There were so many different personalities at this place. Some of the women there are what they call chronically homeless, which means that they have been homeless consistently for a year or more than a certain amount of time within a certain time period.

It was not in God’s plans for me to remain homeless that long. wasn’t too much I had secured an apartment through a housing programs that they have here for people who are chronically ill. I think this may bring us up to speed…

Until next time take care of your health…..

The Beautiful Rainbow

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Well, things have really started to look up. I can’t say at this point that my life is perfect, but I do know that I didn’t want to be one of those angry people that had this disease and was in denial, blaming others and being irresponsible. In the last 2 years, I think that on some level I have come to terms with my condition. that is not to say that I don’t struggle with sadness, a sense of loss, and why me! But why not me?

I don’t believe that God puts more on us than we can bear. I also don’t believe that he will bring us to a situation in which He cannot bring us through. Sharing my story on this blog has helped me heal emotionally and spiritually. In the beginning I was very angry at my ex husband. I couldn’t believe that someone who loved me, (or was supposed to love me), would do something like this to me. I also have to realize that he was going through some things as well. Although I don’t feel that I had much control over how I contracted this disease, I do have control over how I allow it to affect my life.

Sure I could be the victim, but why? There is nothing that I can do at this point to change it, so why not put all of that anger and hatred aside and try to help the next woman struggling try to find her voice and guide her through this emotional pain.

I have lost several friends and a few members of my family when I disclosed to them about my diagnosis. The man that raised me didn’t want me in his home for Christmas. Although I am still a little hurt by that, but I have learned my part in this situation. Sometimes we must remove ourselves from people that hurt us, even if its family. If we continue to place ourselves in a position to be hurt, we will never heal. Not physically, emotionally, mentally, or spirituality. We can lead happy healthy lives once we come to terms with her illness.

Until next time take care of your health…..

The Realization

In my last post, I told you that I was hospitalized for meningitis. After my release from the hospital, I was sent to a place here that was just for people with HIV and AIDS that had mental health issues. It was a great place that offered individual and group counseling. It was residential and everyone that lived there had the diagnosis of HIV or AIDS. Although it was the place that I needed to be at the time, I searched for other people like me. This home was co-ed, and housed men, trans-gender people, but I was the only woman there. I searched the internet for other some type of support groups for just Women. There were none! All the support groups or places that offered services for just women had been closed from lack of support or funding. This baffled me, because surely, I couldn’t be the only woman in this city diagnosed with this disease.

I started to volunteer at a clothing closet that catered only to people with this disease. I saw so many women come through there. There was even a woman that lived next door to me that had it. I had so many questions that I needed answers too. I began to ask these women about how they were dealing it and how they got through it. Everyone wanted to be on the hush. I didn’t think that this is an issue that needed to be pushed in the closet.

In September I left this program, I moved back in with my ex husband. I had no idea that at that time, he had AIDS. My ex husband is a veteran and all of his medications comes in the mail. He had opened the package and left it lying on the front porch. I looked inside and realized that he was taking the same medications that I was taking. I was so hurt and angry. How could this man that I had loved been the one to have given me this awful disease. I lived with this man for about seven months after I found out that he was the one that gave me HIV. I HAD to leave!!! I was so angry that I wanted to hurt him. The sad part is that he was still in denial. He couldn’t face the fact that he had AIDS and he still is in denial. He has only recently started to acknowledge that he has it, only because I keep it in his face. I am constantly asking him about his numbers and if he is taking his medicines.

Until next time…take care of your health.

The Bottom of the Pit

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I said that 2013 was the worst year of my life. In January I  had my hand broken, in February my eye socket was fractured, March saw me in the hospital with a bout of meningitis. April saw a car accident and the following month I lost my job. By June, I was emotionally drained and checked myself into a mental institution. While I was there, I asked for an Aids test.

I will never forget the day that my results came in. I was supposed to meet with the psychiatrist that morning but I was still sleepy from the meds that they had given me the night before. This woman, that was my doctor at the time, was actually a student. The first time that she came around on her rounds, she told me that she would just see me last. She returned shortly thereafter and demanded that I wake up.

She told me that my test results had come back and that they were positive. I  was in such a state of shock. I just kept saying no, no, no! I didn’t want to hear those words.

Until next time… Mind your health… 

The Beginning of the End

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During the time that my mother in law was hospitalized, my husband and I had and on again off again relationship. I thought that we were trying to repair our relationship but it turns out that he only needed some financial help from me. Although he received disability benefits, most of his money went to drinking and paying  for prostitutes. We even took a trip to my hometown in Georgia.

As the summer ended, so did my faith in  any possible reconciliation between us. I was devastated and heartbroken. I decided to reach out to an old friend. This man and I had a very long history. He actually was the one that brought me to this city. That was such a bad idea. 

After three months, this man had broken my hand, fractured my eye socket and inflicted so much verbal abuse that once again I turned to my ex husband for comfort and refuge, staying at his house off and on until the police caught this other man.

In March 2013, I was involved in a car accident. A month later,  I lost my job.

Thank you for reading…… Until next time

Taking Care of Business

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I have always stressed that our personal well-being and health should come first. That is the reason that I haven’t been blogging. There were  some things that I had to take care of in my personal life. I have found my journey to have a lot of uphill battles.

There have been quite a few deaths in my immediate circle in the last few weeks, one this morning, as we prepared to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the family of my in-laws have to make funeral arrangements for a teenager gunned down in the streets .  I lost a good friend to this disease two weeks ago. Things could have been better for her had she done what was required, which is taking your meds first and foremost, eating healthy, getting plenty of rest and not using street drugs drugs. Please make all of doctors appointments. Your doctor is the one that can best assist you with the most proactive treatment for your particular strain of the virus.

Some people seem to think that dating someone who also has the virus would be best. Afterall this person is already infected, this could work as long as there is still protected sex. What we fail to realize is that the person we choose may have a different strain of the virus, which may make our medications ineffective and may also cause our own virus to mutate. Whoever you choose to have sex with is your private business but please use protection with everyone!

It is my goal to write another entry to my story this week.

I thank you for reading.

Until next time…

Hanging On By A Thread

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One might think that after the last post, that I would be nearing the end of my involvement with my ex husband. After all our divorce was final and I had made him leave our home. To make a long story short, it was only the beginning of this journey that I now find myself.

Even though my ex husband and I were divorced, we, (or at least I), thought that we could work it out. After catching him with his pants down (literally), with another woman I made him leave our home. It was the Saturday before Mother’s Day of 2012.

A week later, his mother was hospitalized for a brain tumor. She had surgery and was sent to a rehab facility to recuperate. While there, they found that she had cancer in various parts of her body. She stayed in this facility for over a year. During that time, she had part  one of her lungs removed, her liver removed and took three rounds of chemo.

I am telling you about her because although she and I had never really gotten along, her illness brought us closer together. She is part of the reason that I was able to find strength to be able to tell you this story.

Thank You for reading….